PANSEY'S CORNER

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PANSEY & BRUTUS

by Jonty Newbery

CHAPTER 2

As he walked round the block, Pansey saw two rats guarding a drain cover. They were trying to look tough.

Rino was walking towards Pansey and, as usual, was pleased to see him. He didn’t notice the rats and accidentally kicked one of them, causing the other one to runaway. The rats had been

guarding the entrance to Mongol’s home. Mongol was the head of the rats.

Rino was a regular at the Duke so Pansey knew him quite well. They exchanged hellos and Rino commented on the number of rats around lately.

“They get everywhere”, he said, and Pansey agreed.

”Anyway”, said Rino, “I’m off to the pub. What are you up to?”

Pansey said he was getting some exercise. He smiled to himself as he passed the drain cover. If Mongol was planning a takeover of the Duke, he’d underestimated the task in hand.

Halfway down Middleton Road, Pansey came across Reggie, the French bulldog he’d met earlier, and Reggie was looking lost. “What are you doing?” Pansey asked him.

“I’m not quite sure”, Reggie replied. “I think I may be a bit lost”. Pansey looked at him pityingly, thinking 'you stupid dog'.

He told him he needed to go along the road a bit, turn right and he would then find himself in York Road, which was where

he lived”. Pansey added “Dopey!” under his breath. Reggie thanked him and plodded away with confidence.

It was approaching 11 o'clock in the evening when Pansey got back so the pub was almost empty. He wandered around, checking everything was in order, before flopping on his back in front of the wood burner. His eyes were glazing over as the pub slowly emptied.

Paul, the bar manager, locked up and said goodnight. Pansey thought, “Goodnight, Paul” but he was too tired to say it. He fell into a deeper sleep in the cosy warmth of the empty pub.

Some time later, he had no idea what time, he woke up feeling that something was very close to him, and he felt very uncomfortable. Whatever the something was, it said, “Hello Pansey”.

Pansey nervously said, “Hello”. This was Pansey’s pub and normally nothing would make him nervous here.

“I think it’s time I introduced myself. I’ve been watching you for three years, and this is actually my pub”. Pansey did not know what to say, and he was feeling increasingly uncomfortable listening to this unfamiliar voice in the semi-darkness.

“Who are you?” Pansey eventually blurted out. The voice said, “I am known as the Big, Fat Spider and I live behind the speaker up there. Have you never wondered why that speaker doesn’t work?”

Pansey admitted it had never crossed his mind.

Pansey was still in shock and was a little lost for words. The spider continued, “I am a nice, big, fat spider and I am here to help. I am aware of the rat problem, and you do need advice, but not tonight. I will leave you alone now by the warmth of the fire and go back to my home up there. Just pretend I don’t exist for now and then there was silence.

Pansey continued to lie by the wood burner but his brain was in turmoil. Who was that spider? Or maybe it had all been a dream ….?

PANSETY & BRUTUS by Jonty Newbery

CHAPTER 1

Pansey woke up and found he was hungry, so he plodded upstairs to his ‘magic’ food bowl and again found that it had filled itself with some yummy food just for him. After lunch, he decided to go outside to see what his friend John the gardener had been doing. As he squeezed through the cat flap, he noticed Brutus sitting under the barbecue.

“Hello”, said Brutus
“Hello”, said Pansey. “What can I do for you?”
“It’s what I can do for you”, replied Brutus
Pansey still wasn’t quite sure of Brutus. It had been two months since he had been forced to remove Brutus from HIS pub.
“Let’s go over to the gazebo and talk”, said Pansey.
At the gazebo, Brutus said, “OK, If I were to give you some information that would help you, would you let me live at the pub? I would stay out of your way,” he said hopefully.

Pansey thought about it. He did rather like Brutus, and he felt a little guilty about having to force him out at Christmas time, but it was his pub and he had standards!

After some consideration, he acquiesced and said, “Okay. What’s the information?”

Brutus came close to Pansey’s ear and whispered, “The rats are up. They’re planning to take over the Duke! Mongol has run out of money and he wants yours.”

“Oh”, said Pansey in surprise. This was not news he’d wanted to hear and, for a moment, he sat silently thinking.

“You’d best take the spare room”, said Pansey making his decision. On the one hand, Brutus was delighted to have a new home but, on the other, he knew he was getting old. He had fought in the Owl Wars and he’d not planned on another battle in his retirement years.

“You know where the food is”, said Pansey. “Make yourself at home.”
“Thank you”, replied Brutus, and it was settled.

“I must go off to see Rosie now”, said Pansey and he left Brutus alone, considering his new

future.
Rosie was found in the garage, playing with a spider. “Sometimes”, thought Pansey, “Rosie

can be a little cruel”. Rosey and Pansey had had a brief affair, but Pansey had decided that he didn’t want kittens, and he didn’t fancy life with a hot-tempered female, so they called it off and were now just friends.
“All good?” asked Rosie.

“Nope, not all good”, replied Pansey. “The rats are planning to take over the pub.”
“And exactly how does that concern me?”, said Rosie, knowing it would annoy Pansey.
“I may need your help”, replied Pansey.
“What’s in it for me?”, asked Rosie, trying to look pretty.
Pansey realised he was getting nowhere here so he wandered off, leaving her with her poor spider, although the spider had seized its chance and had seven-and-a-half-legged it away whilst they were speaking.

As Pansey reached the big gate, he saw a big French bulldog sitting on the other side, looking stupid.

“What do you want”, Asked Pansey annoyed.
“I’m Reggie. We’ve just moved here, and I’m going to be in charge.” Pansey was not in the mood for this so, without another word, he cuffed Reggie in the face.

“I’m Pansey! I’m in charge here. My father was General Poncenby and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll damn well toe the line. Reggie was not used to this sort of thing and jumped back in shock. Pansey gave him his hardest stare and Reggie backed off a little more. With a final withering look at Reggie, Pansey walked away with his tail in the air.

With Brutus’ news, Ginger (Pansey’s pet name for Rosie) being difficult and a dog trying to muscle in, this was turning into a stressful morning. He was now hungry and sleepy again. “How did it go with Rosie?” asked Brutus as they passed at the cat flap. “Badly”, replied Pansey tersely.

Out of breath, at the top of the stairs, Pansey went into the master bedroom. “I’m unfit”, he thought to himself, as he shoved his face into the magic food bowl before curling up on the king-sized bed.

Brutus was approximately sixteen years old. He’d had an interesting life, most of which had been in the army. He generally kept his career quiet. He had been a colour sergeant and, although he had attempted to challenge it, he had recognised the leader in Pansey when he first stepped into the pub that night at Christmas time. He had been on his way to see his friend Frank but, having met Pansey, he’d decided to stay. And the rest, as they say, was history!

Pansey woke up with a start. He had been having a nasty nightmare. He had dreamt that he’d found Mongol, the head of the rats, sleeping on his king-sized bed in his master bedroom and that he’d been made homeless! In his liminal state, he still felt panicked at the question of what he could do. As he woke up fully, that question still rolled around his mind. What could he do about the impending threat? Well, the very first thing to do was to have some crunchies, and then he’d consider his position. He must beat Mongol; the alternative was unthinkable. He needed to gather his own army to defend the pub, and he needed to get fit!

Pansey was only three years old, and this was all pretty new to him. Until now, he had thought that it was all magic food bowls, and sleepy days in the pub. “Yes”, Pansey thought to himself, “I must get fit”, so after breakfast, he set off down York Road with a sense of purpose. He was going to walk all the way around the block. That would be a good start.

PANSEY AND BRUTUS

(THE PUB CAT AND THE INTERLOPER)

Jonty (landlord of the Duke of York pub) has been busy writing a story about the adventures of Pansey, the pub cat. It is based on fact but is embellished with imagination. The story will be serialised in the forthcoming magazines.

AN INTRODUCTION:

One day, shortly before Christmas, a feral cat called Brutus came through the cat flap and into Pansey’s home.

Brutus was larger and more aggressive than Pansey, so Pansey’s first reaction was to hide in the attic. It didn’t take long for Pansey to start missing all the little things he did, so he came out of hiding.

For about four weeks there were lots of little punch-ups at night as Pansey tried to regain his territory. Eventually, he was successful and Brutus left. Jonty had been hoping that he might end up with two cats, but Pansey did not want to share his magic food bowl or his favourite chairs.

If you see an old ginger tom, looking sad and with a tooth going down one side of his face, give him a treat – or better, give him a home. All he wanted was somewhere to live over Christmas.

Poor Brutus ...

DEFENCE STRATEGIES USED BY SNAKES

Like them or loathe them, snakes are fascinating creatures. They are cold-blooded reptiles and are unable to regulate their own temperature. They need to bask in the sun during the day in order to gain energy for venom production and to hunt and, as you can imagine, basking and hunting brings them into contact with predators and other animals (including humans) that wish them harm.

As there are few species of snake in the United Kingdom, this article will focus on how African snakes use various different strategies to defend themselves.

The majority of snakes are not aggressive and will either remain motionless or seek shelter in a hole or a tree when threatened. The more bulky and less mobile snakes like the Puff Adder (Bitis arietans) rely on camouflage to blend into the leaf litter that is found on the ground in their usual habitat.

If a snake is unable to slip away and is confronted, it will strike at and possibly bite an aggressor. The cobras are able to rear up and spread a hood and this makes them appear larger and more threatening. Biting is far from ideal as it uses energy and venom that the snake could put to better use to kill prey.

Should it manage to envenomate a large animal, the snake is in danger of being trampled and killed because the venom will not initially have any effect on the bite victim.

In order to preserve their valuable venom, several venomous snake species will bite without injecting anything and, in the case of bites inflicted on humans, these so called “dry bites” account for 15% to 20% of all snake bites in Africa.

Some species of cobra, for example the Mozambique Spitting Cobra (Naja mossambica), have developed the ability to accurately squirt venom up to 3m (10ft.) towards the eyes of an aggressor. Most cobra venom affects their prey’s nervous system but spitting cobra’s venom has been modified to include proteins that cause irritation and swelling which give the snake an opportunity to beat a hasty retreat to safety.

A relative of the cobras, a snake called the Rinkhals (Hemachatus haemachatus), is really good at playing dead with its body turned upside down and its mouth hanging open as most predators are not interested in eating carrion. Although it would prefer to retreat to a hole in the ground, the Rinkhals is also able to spit!

The Common Egg-eater (Dasypeltis scabra) is a non-
venomous snake that uses mimicry to ward off potential
predators as it looks almost identical to the venomous Night
Adder (Causus rhombeatus). When agitated, it will coil and uncoil while striking aggressively and the rubbing scales sound very similar to a hiss.

It is remarkable how these reptiles have adapted so many defence mechanisms and strategies so that they can get on with their simple lives of sheltering, feeding and breeding.